The Rankest Compound of Villainous Smell That Ever Offended Nostril

Haylee this one is for you.
(And William Shakespeare for providing the wonderfully appropriate title for this entry)


It's Saturday night. What to do? Sit on our butts at home and drink cheap wine? See a movie? Drink cheap wine IN the movie? Meh. Let's do something different. The small problem with "different" is that we are in a fairly rural area of Florida, which is severely lacking in "different". Upon the suggestion of Captain Gordon we decided that we were going to try a bar called The Grove. So off we went.


The Grove wasn't bad at all. Despite the DJ blasting Girls Just Wanna Have Fun as we walked in the music wasn't half bad. The people watching was amazing. There were the two 40 something dudes at the bar being not-so-subtle about checking out the ladies, the cougar who danced like a wannabe stripper minus the pole & rhythm and the drunk girl who thought everyone couldn't take their eyes off her and her amazing dance moves.


After people watching for an hour Tara convinced me that we should dance. I was a little apprehensive about the dancing but then figured "What the hell?" and off we went as soon as a danceable song came on. So there we are dancing when all of a sudden we are hit. It was like a sneak attack. Like walking into a brick wall.....


THE STENCH.


People, I have never in my life smelled something that rank while in a public place. There is an unwashed body smell and then there was this, this SMELL. Now watching everyone on the dance floor react to it was pretty funny. At first it just seemed that people were jokingly making up new dance moves that involved waving their hands in front of their faces, holding their noses or smelling each other. But then IT didn't go away so the next logical step is to try to figure out where the hell it was coming from. My first suspect was an older lady in a red tank but after purposely walking by her I determined that she was not the smelly one. The DJ started playing some really lame songs so naturally the dance floor cleared out and the smell slowly dissipated.


Good song = dancing is back on. Guess what? IT is back. This time the dance floor parted like Moses parting the Red Sea. The only person left on the floor was a rather large woman chuggin' red wine and gettin' down with her barefooted(yes, barefooted, in a bar) self. I mean really, if they could bottle that mess they could use it as a bio-weapon. Release that nastiness and the enemy will shoot himself to end the misery.


So eventually we couldn't take our own dry heaving so we left. On the way home we invented a new game called "She Smells Worse Than ____________". We came up with some pretty funky stuff and we both decided that this woman did, in fact, smell worse. I'll spare you your own dry heaving and not share the items we came up with.


The night was not a total loss. Lots of laughing, a drink or three and a good story to tell. Good times.

Informative Boredom

So, I'm a little bored at work and since most of the interesting websites are blocked I sit and read the news all day. Daily, I'm reminded that this country is being run by a bunch of outrageously out-of-touch individuals who don't know their ass from their elbow. Just some examples I've run across in the last week or so:

• The "success" of the Cash for Clunkers Program. If you define 'success' by popularity then yes, it was very successful. Free money is ALWAYS makes programs like this enormously popular. Has anyone noticed that several states are pulling out of the program like a teenage boy whose condom just broke? Yep, and it's because they AREN'T GETTING PAID. And some of these dealerships are speculating as to whether or not they will EVER get paid. No money, processing delays, equipment failures and eventual premature shutdown = MASSIVE Fail. Plus there is the damage disposing of the junk cars is causing...which leads me to the next little black dot.


• The save-the-world-or-die push for "Green" electric vehicles. I'm presenting this one by asking two questions. These cars don't use gas, they have batteries charged by electricity, right? Here comes the million dollar question: "Where does this electricity come from? The answer: Our already overly taxed, CARBON-based energy grid. People are eating this crap sundae with a spoon and it makes me laugh. But seriously, there are many reports of major cities having an energy crisis if too many of these little green machines get on the road.

• Pole Dancing Dolls. Are you serious? I cannot think of one person I know, no matter how liberal, that would buy one for their little girl. Well, maybe they would when they come with the accessory pack complete with hooker boots, tramp stamp stickers, a variety of thongs and a CD of"Now That's What I Call Music - 45(Strip Club Classics)". I already think we have a bit of a problem with adult culture permeating into youth culture and this sure doesn't help. I used to think that I'd like to have my future children be boys so as to avoid this kinda crap altogether but then I had an epiphany..."what if my boy brings home one of these skanktastic little ladies?" Lord help me...

• I'm hoping to one day convince Chris that private education is the way to go and I'd like to thank the Public School Systems of America for giving me plenty of ammo. First, it was the backpack thing from a previous blog and the latest pea brained idea is to ban kids from touching each other in an effort to curb the swine flu. Clearly, these people have never had even a rudimentary Microbiology class. I can guarantee you that anything that is community property: toys, bathrooms, doorknobs, drinking fountains, etc are practically TOXIC, not a hug or a high five. The Swine Flu is not airborne so hand washing is still the best defense. Teach the kids to wash their grubby little hands and keep their hands out of their eyes, nose & mouth. All these kids are being taught is how to react to benign situations with hysterics. You'd think the swine flu was causing people to become zombies and walk around spewing virus laden body fluids everywhere in an effort to bring the human race to the dark side.

• And in Federal Legislation news the Consumer Product Safety Commission is coming after your garage sale. It is now illegal to sell any product that has been recalled. So, now instead of buyer beware, it's seller beware. Once again, the Fed is desperately trying to save you from your stupid self. I personally am not a garage sale shopper but I will do the occasional fly-by at the Goodwill and I have to say that there are products there that common sense tells me not to buy. On the list are things like cribs, children's toys that appear older than me or have paint on them, shoes and kitchen appliances. I will buy books and clothes but the rest they can keep. Some things are just better brand new. Now the CPSC says that they aren't sending out task forces to shut down your little neighborhood garage sale(I mean, manpower is an issue) but I suspect that before long you will be needing a Garage Sale Permit, which will only be granted with an inventory of items to be sold. You think I'm joking....these government hacks are shutting down little kids lemonade stands because they didn't have the proper permits and business licenses.

Wha?

I don't have children and at this point most of my friend's kids are not in school yet so this bit I heard today caught me completely off guard. When I think of all those years in school there was one item that was with me from the time I walked out of the house to the time I got home. One Item. Shouldn't be too hard.....

My Backpack.

At my job they do a yearly drive to acquire backpacks for the children in our program. Development just ran into a problem...some Florida counties have banned the use of backpacks. Yes, little kids can't bring backpacks to school. For me this is comically asinine. So, of course I immediately Googled this foolishness and sure enough it's pretty widespread, which I fully expected because dumb ideas in the education field seem to spread like the swine flu....wait, bad example. :o) You know what I mean, stupidity is probably the most contagious virus out there.

Under the guise of 'keeping the kids safe" from the rare demented child gun smuggler, and drug dealers backpacks are no longer welcome in the hallways.

Most of you reading are probably close to my age, right? Do you remember how BIG and HEAVY those freakin books were? I know I made frequent trips to my locker because there was no way I was getting a full days worth in that bag and of course there was than cute boy a few lockers down but he just made the trips worth it. I cannot imagine being without that bag. My high school was humongous and with 10 mins between classes and a tardy policy in full effect. I'd have never made it. My happy ass would have been a borderline juvenile delinquent with all my detention hours. And what about these poor high school girls? Purses are also banned so I guess they get to carry their tampons, in full view, to the bathroom.

Can anyone come up with something evil that a backpack can conceal that a binder, pocket, shoe(yes a kid hid a gun in a shoe) etc cannot. yeah, me neither. Bottom line is that if a kid, or anyone else for that matter, wants to do something bad they WILL FIND A WAY.

One of these days the "Nanny State" needs to realize that you can't stop every single bad thing from happening.

You wouldn't go to work without your bag or briefcase or go on vacation with out the essential suitcase....