Peeing in Circles

The story that follows is sadly not my worst date ever but I did get the best last word ever. This was actually the 2nd date and the 1st one was normal enough to warrant a 2nd one so I don't really know what to make of what transpired. Guess people seem normal 'til you get to know them.....his name is Josh.

It started out pretty tame and normal. Since we lived on opposite sides of town I met him about halfway between our dinner destination and he picked me up and drove the rest of the way. Conversation flowed easily but I got my 1st clue that things were going to go awry when he mentioned that he had invited a friend to come out with us later. I wasn't liking the sound of ending up out in Atlanta without a car with two guys I barely know and he said his friend was attractive and had his shit together so I texted Kerstin and asked her if she wanted to come out. I needed my wing woman. It is standard procedure for the other to be on call when we are out on 1st/2nd dates...you never know when you might need to bail out or be rescued.

Dinner was good. He was still trying to get his friend to come out but the guy decided not to. Thinking I was off the hook with this being a group date was a bit premature. Josh had apparently also mentioned going out to his uncle, who he assured me was a super cool guy who acted way younger than his fifty some-odd years. Dinner is done so we head out to the car and the fun begins.

The valet pulls up the car and Josh asks me if I mind driving because he thinks he might have had too much to drink. Dude had two glasses of wine(unless he was chugging from a flask in the bathroom) but I agreed since that put me a little more in control of the situation. We get in the car and he says we have to go pick his uncle up. We drive over to pick up 'The Uncle' and we go inside to get him. 1st impression: OMG. WTF. Dude, is good-looking for his age but he is loud, overbearing and he is a "close face talker" and he was in my space within 10 seconds of walking in the door. He asks me if I want a beer and I reply "no, i'm driving" this warrants a strange look in Josh's direction which made his stock go up about .05.

We pile in the Jeep and they decide to stop by another bar on the way but it's pretty busy so I pull up and Josh gets out to see if we can get a table. As soon as the door closes "The Uncle" tells me that I have "beautiful feet." WTF? There were lights on the floorboards that had apparently cast my feet with some kind of ethereal glow the way this freak went on about my feet. I do have decent feet and I was wearing cute pink peep toe heels and for most people this would just be a weird comment. HOWEVER...for me it was HORRIFYING. I HATE feet and to have some random dude I just met in the backseat lusting over my feet made me instantly uncomfortable. I told him to stop talking about my feet but he just kept on telling me how I only hated feet because I'd never had a man with a foot fetish. He also choose to share that he didn't ask women on dating sites to send him naked pics, he wanted pic of their FEET.

OMFG. Thankfully, that was about the time Josh returned to the car to say that we couldn't get a table. Oh, darn.

Kerstin is en route to meet up with us but I needed to let her know where her final destination was so I asked "dumb and dumber" what the plan was and I was HORRIFIED by the answer: Johnny's Hideaway. Kerstin tells me often that one of her favorite things about me is my stories which are usually a result of a conscious decision to ride out a night gone bad just to see what will happen. This was the point in the story where I made that decision. Johnny's is a wasteland for the 45 and up crowd. The place reeks of Cougars, desperation and divorce. I do not belong here but "The Uncle" has some hot Russian piece of ass(after meeting her I'm gonna drop 'hot' from the description) he wants hook up with so we are all along for the ride. Kerstin meets us there and we make it through one beer before we tell Josh that we need to GTFO. By this point Josh has had a lot to drink so of course I'm driving...again. As we are walking across the parking lot Josh informs us that he has to pee. Kerstin and I get in the car and Josh proceeds to pee in the parking lot....in circles. And once a rotation we get a full frontal in the side mirror. All we could do was shake our heads.

Next stop was Tin Lizzy's where we ordered a pitcher of Margaritas the proceeded to get all 3 of us TRASHED. I think they put radioactive tequila in those things because this girl can DRINK and a marg and half is not enough to put me on my ass. So we had to sit there and sober up. The takeaway from this part of the story is when Josh started to hit on Kerstin right in front of me. This happened. And we were still too drunk to leave. Alcohol must make me a more tolerant person because had that happened when he was sober I'd have probably given him the worst verbal assault he'd ever encountered and K and I would have bolted, drunk or not.

At this point, we had shut Tin Lizzy's down and we were still in no condition to drive so we went across the street to the diner to get some food and hopefully get sober faster. The diner was pretty uneventful for the most part....I believe that there was a quote entered into the quotebook...something about being German and liking meat...


After the diner Kerstin felt better and so did I so we decided it was TIME. I took Kerstin back to her car, then Josh and I had to go collect "The Uncle" from Johnny's. I drove "The Uncle" home and then had to drive back to my car. After I dropped off "The Uncle", Josh passed out in the passenger seat of his own car. I remember thinking "yes, this is my life" as I drove back. When I pulled up to my car I got out of Josh's and immediately got in mine. I didn't wake him up, didn't say a word. I hope he woke up in that parking lot.

Now for the punchline to this whole story.

Fast Forward 5 MONTHS. We had of course gotten our laughs out of re-telling this story to our friends and I had never heard another peep out of Josh after that night. So, imagine my surprise to get the following email:

Hey this is Josh.  I know i am sending this a little late; however, i have been thinking about the last time we went out.  First of all, i am sorry for getting so drunk. If you are still single text or call me.  My new number is 404 849 8791.  Hope all is well. 

Josh

I very nearly died from laughing. 5 months later and dude decides to send me this? What follows is my response. Maybe he will think twice on his next date.


Josh -

I am seriously floored that you would even have the nerve to write to me with some insincere half ass apology...5 MONTHS LATER! Seriously? I'm beginning to think I'm on Candid Camera. Our date was a joke. Besides the fact that you were drunk and I had to drive YOUR car all over Atlanta, you also peed in circles outside your car in a parking lot, hit on my best friend in front of me, and let your creepy ass uncle talk incessantly about my feet.

Best of luck to you, Josh. You seem to need it.


LOL, was that mean?

Only LOSERS live OTP

This episode went down a few months ago and provided at good laugh but also left me more than a little pissed off. Here's the deal...a dude FLAT OUT rejected me because I live "outside the perimeter". This is basically snob slang for "living in the burbs". Up until now I've had a few guys ask me why I live "all the way out there" as if it's a country code away, not a zip code...I believe this was mentioned in an earlier post. But to be cast aside like some dirty poor beggar not good enough to shine his mighty shoes!? Yeah, I was more than a little offended.

Let's Dissect...

First off, I'm FROM here. I grew up in these 'ere 'burbs. My stomping ground. My family has lived in the same house for 17 years. Second, his rejection implies that ALL women from the 'burbs are somehow not worthy, are defective or are in one way or another un-dateable. And THIRD, this seems like a stupid reason to reject someone. Good reasons are: married, has children or other baggage, criminal records...etc. If this guy had taken the time he would have found out that I have lived other places.

Now part of the reason that I'm so riled up about this snobbery is that I KNOW it's not isolated to this one douchebag guy. This is just the first time it's happened to ME. Now, while I can fully appreciate the Universe directing this particular bullet in someone else's direction (the poor ITP chick who ends up with ITP Snob guy) I do not appreciate being rejected in such and arbitrary way. If he's not attracted to me, that's not really a problem for me but I do hope he catches some kind of fungus from a classy, pristine ITP chick.

The Exit Survey

I'm a relationship kinda girl. It's a fact. I hate dating. Dating sucks. It's like being the Grand Marshall in a Mardi Gras parade where no one is who they seem to be and there is no end in sight. It's the ultimate masquerade.

I have a novel idea that I really wish would catch on. It's called The Exit Survey. This questionnaire is filled out by your ex about 3 months after you break up. This allows for both parties to move through the stages...

• disbelief(How did this happen to me?)
• denial(He/She will totally come back to me when they realize what they lost because I'm FABULOUS)
• raging anger(tears, screaming, burning effigies)
• pure hate(at this stage thinking about it blurs your vision)
• homicidal thoughts(this stage doesn't last long but is easily the most abstract but satisfying)

to that place where you still care...but ya don't. This is the perfect time for the survey. You've had time to analyze exactly what went wrong and why it wasn't your fault. Your ex, the annoying habits and psychological loose screws are not "salt-in-the-wound" fresh but they aren't gone either.

Perfect Timing. Here goes:

How long were you and Mr / Ms Wrong in a relationship? ____________________

Where did you meet?___________________________________ Was alcohol involved? ______

What was you're first fight about? _____________________________________________________Was alcohol involved?_______

What is your Ex's most annoying habit?______________________________________________

 What is your Ex's wierdest/grossest physical feature? You know....extra nipples, funky toes...etc______________________________________________________________________

Any issues with his/her family? Crazy Mama's, Psycho sisters, touchy-feely uncles......____________________________________________________

Any major psychological issues exhibited by your Ex?__________________________________

Are your Ex's friends cool or straight from hell?_______________________________________

Are they still BFF with any of THEIR Exes?____________________________________________

Did your Ex ever cheat on you?____________________________________________________

How did your Ex feel about animals and/or kids?______________________________________

Did your Ex spend their money recklessly or are they financially responsible?_______________
_________________If recklessly, please elaborate_____________________________________

Was your Ex quick to say "I told you so!"?____________________________________________

How did your Ex express anger?___________________________________________________

So.....Whose FAULT was the break-up?______________________________________________

Anything else the next girl/guy should know? (use additional paper if necessary)  _____________________________________________________________________________

There ya have it. Pretty much all pertinent  info you would need to know about someone you're about to date.  Would things be easier with one of these?

Nothin's Gonna Break My Stride

This is my 2012 post. The one where I reflect and wax poetic about the year to come and the year gone by.

Ha. Just kidding.

This year was probably the most fun I've had EVER and there is nothing poetic about any of it. It's probably a good thing I didn't learn to live like a rock star in my twenties because I'd probably be dead. Now in my 30's, I have the advantage of hindsight and the loss of that sense of "indestructabilty" we all have at 21. I know my limits and how far I can push them...which I've learned is pretty far.

My friends are an ever expanding group of pure awesome-ness. They are my treasures. Sappy, I know but it's true. 

So here's to 2012...let's burn brighter than the sun.

Looks Good On Paper

I need a break. Seriously.

Up to this point my attempts at finding a guy normal enough to go on a date more than twice have been futile. I've come to the conclusion that most of these guys who haven't been snatched up are the type that "look good on paper". It's like a interviewing a prospective employee...great resume...kinda sucks in person.

Let's see...one guy invited me to dinner then ate before he came because he "got off work early". Um, how about you eat a SNACK, you jackass, INSTEAD of making me sit there and eat by myself since it's 8pm and I HAVEN'T EATEN. Because that wasn't awkward at all.....

Third date?  Is the Devil's tail frostbiten? Then the answer is No.

OR the guy who spent half the date trying to convince me it's cool if he lives with his parents because "he has his own wing of the house". Yeah, that's totally cool. I'd love to stay the night with you and have your MOM whip us up some breakfast.

I simply fail to see why these guys can just behave normally and why the universe just keeps on sending them my way....

The saga continues....

Submissive Kinky Nymphos....APPLY HERE!

Found this on a dating website. The chicks must be BEATING his door down. 

This the the photo this guy chose for his MAIN image.

THERE ARE NOT WORDS.

Ok, maybe there are...here's his profile..copy & paste. I can't make this stuff up.

I'm straight, single, with no children. I'm seeking an open minded female with common sense who doesn't play games. Someone curvy is a plus! I'm open minded about things even though I may have my own views. I'm laid back with a good sense of humor and love to keep up with current events. My favorite type of music is rock and my least favorite is country. Some of the things that I like to do are camping, hiking, shooting pool, swimming, and playing guitar. It's difficult to really get to know someone messaging back and forth. So, I'm only interested in someone who makes a serious effort to get to know me. I'm not all about sex. But, I do like it a lot with the right female. I tend to be more compatible with a submissive, kinky nympho who isn't afraid to show it. My kink is that I'm a fan of interracial. I like the contrast. When I'm in a relationship, I like to imagine my girl with a black man. Dating someone is suppose to be fun so lighten up! Distant prudes, fakes, liars, cheaters, back stabbers, women who let their children rule over them, badge bunnies, a daddy's whore[not to be confused with a daddy's girl], and women with a roster of f*ck buddies are a waste of my time. That probably weeds out about 99% of the women on this site. That's good because I'm only looking for ONE female who's apart from the rest.

Genetic Perfection...almost

As my perfectly clever friend Laura would say "Shannon's quest for beauty and brains continues.....".

I'm afflicted with being attracted either to the metro jock or the guy with the guitar. Sadly, most of these guys aren't the smartest of the smart to say the least. Now, to be fair(because they will both probably read this), in my recent past there is one of each of these specimens that have cleared the bar in the looks and smarts categories but the relationships just didn't pan out.

Ultimately, for me you can be very pretty to look at but if you can't carry on a decent conversation your stock drops into the red with lightning quick speed. Case in point...the guy we shall refer to as Abercrombie Guy.
He looked something like this:

Damn near physical perfection. He was spotted while my friend Kerstin and I were at Luckyfest checking out an 80's cover band. He was a part of the group that we were socializing with so I asked him his name. He struggled. It took about 5 seconds to figure out that he was not high, not over the top drunk...this guy was a special brand of "run Forrest run" DUMB. A little bit later he attempted to join a conversation we were having with one of his friends and when he walked away Kerstin looked at his friend and said "Is he slow?". Haha. At this point I had said nothing about Abercrombie's lack of functioning synapses. He was just THAT dumb. We got a replay later that night when they met up with us later in Midtown. My friend Seth had a field day with this guy. Seth had been briefed on our pretty but not-so-bright friend and he took full advantage. Took less than 15 minutes before Abercrombie realized he was outmatched and Abercromie walked out of our lives never to be seen again.

Not a big loss, but it got me to wondering about the correlation between looks and brains. I know this phenomenon is nearly viral in the female population and this has been confirmed by many of my male friends. It's like a pandemic. But we are female and it's generally accepted in our culture that we get by on our looks, not saying it's right...just sayin'. Men on the other hand are judged more on brawn and brains, than looks. So how does it happen that a guy is so good-looking that he literally skates by on just his looks? Clearly, it works for women but how do these pretty boys function in the real world? Guess, I'll never know cuz I don't hang around long enough with these brain-dead beauties to find out!