How To Not Be A Douchebag - Round Two

This one is for the boys....

I nearly named this entry "Adventures in Babysitting" because the dating world is beginning to make we want to charge an hourly rate to keep an eye on these fellas as they do one stupid thing after another that makes me want to call their Mothers and use very un-ladylike adjectives and verbs.

Guys, I don't hate you. Really, I don't but give a girl a break. I'd love to go out and not be judged for living OTP (that's Outside The Perimeter for all you non-Atlanta folks). If I get asked one more time why I live "ALL THE WAY OUT THERE" I'm going to stop giving my nice answer, "Because that's where my job is", and tell them "because that's where the voices tell me to live".

Also, it is unacceptable for you to forget my name after I've told you twice. I will begin to mess with your head at this point. Before the night is over I will have you convinced that I have 4 personalities, a twin named Elvira and your name is Spooner. Keep drinkin' there buddy-boy!

I'm sure that we can all agree that in this day and age naked or even semi-naked pics are a bad idea. At best, you can hope that your recipient isn't showing all his or her friends. So why would you send one to a virtual (in every sense of the word) stranger?

Here's the story....
About three weeks ago I met a guy who we will call Heath. Heath got my number and sent me a text asking where I lived. I responded and then never heard back. I didn't think a thing of it because I figured maybe I lived too far away, OTP thing again, and went about life. Here I am dead asleep on a Friday night after working a crazy week and who should I get a text from AT 3AM? You got it...Heath would like to know what I'm doing. I tell him I WAS sleeping. Not taking the hint dude sends me a picture message. I open it. OMFG.  He's in his underwear.

Don't think that pic isn't going on the internet, loser. This is for waking me up at 3am.

Did he think I was gonna jump outta my bed and into his? Bahahahahahahahahaha! I'm so glad I waited 3 weeks for that amazing picture. Is it just me or do his legs look short?

Quote Book Virtual v 1.0

So at a job I used to have we had a quote book which was essentially a collection of all the best Freudian slips and dumbest/funniest things that could possibly be said...by co-workers, clients, bosses etc...anyone is game. I miss that book so now it's going virtual. All names will be changed to protect the innocents if necessary.

Convo with an elderly patient of mine:
Patient: Shannon, do you think Dr. Blue can write me a letter so I can get a handicapped spot placard?
Me: (laughs) Well, Mr. Parson I don't know that he can do that because you see just fine! Won't your regular doctor write you one?
Patient: No
Me: Why not?
Patient: Because he's a shit-ass.
 This is why I love my job. :0) And in his defense he DOES have a bum knee.

Next up this little gem comes from my friend Seth. That's his real name..he'll wear this one proudly.
Seth: Some people see the Virgin Mary on toast...I make happy shits!  
As he shows me a pic on his phone of a bona fide "happy face" dump he took. Epic.


And last....
My Mom: I think someone needs to redesign the donut.
Bahahahahahaha. Awesome.

How to NOT be a Douchebag

This is a new segment of the blog. The idea came from the thought that Miss Manners is too nice. Plus, I believe there are some points she missed. So, here we go....

• If someone sends you an invitation to an event...RESPOND to it, and I don't care if it's an online invite or a mailed paper invite. It's called an RSVP(Répondez s'il vous plaît), which is French and therefore probably not strong enough to make a point in our pig-headed American brains.  Maybe we need something a little clearer here in the States like, "Please let me know if you're freakin' comin' because only d-bags don't respond.....". If you've ever planned an event, wedding, party or get-together you KNOW what I mean.

• Never rely on the auto-flush toilet to take care of your business, hang around for a sec and make sure one flush was enough. While I recognize and appreciate the usefulness of the auto-flush feature as a sanitizing measure it still strikes me as one of those "improvements" that gets us one step closer to being fat, lazy pigs. If you've seen Wall-e you can see where I'm going. Traditionally, if you wanted to avoid nasties on the toilet flusher, you picked up your foot and flushed. This brings me to make two points:
  
  
  • It's very unpleasant for the rest of us to walk in on a stall and see what's left of your bodily functions.
    
  • Auto-flush or manual (oh, the humanity!) the best way to avoid nasties in the bathroom is to WASH YOUR NASTY HANDS!