Why Do You Get Out Of Bed?

Someone asked me this question about a year or so ago. I was not in a good place and I really didn't have a good answer other than "because I have to."

Now I have some clarity and here's the answer: Because life is crazy, beautiful, fleeting, simple, painful, complicated, glamorous, rewarding, bitter, resonant, enchanting, romantic, surprising and is full of contradictions that all seem to balance out in the end. It will knock you on your can when you need a dose of humility, then turn right around pick you back up. The beauty of a true friendship is a gift that is unmatched and is something I cherish daily. No matter how bad things are there is always something to look forward to, even if it's just a better tomorrow. You may not know when that something will come to you but you can be assured that it's worth the wait.

And that is why I get up in the morning.

And speaking of those friendships, you guys are the best. I can't ever begin to thank you for all the things you do. Tara, there just aren't words. There isn't anyone who knows me better. No matter what I can always count on you for the words to fill the cracks when my heart is breaking and celebrate with me when it's full of happiness.
Candice, we haven't been friends for long but I feel like I've known you forever. We haven't been friends for a year but already there have been long talks, tears, and uncontrollable laughter. I can always count on you for a different perspective that I may not have considered. You are an amazingly strong woman, a FANTASTIC Momma and a great friend. I fully believe that God made us friends here and now because he knew we'd need each other.

Here's to Life...Cheers!

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching."

How To Not Be A Douchebag - Round Two

This one is for the boys....

I nearly named this entry "Adventures in Babysitting" because the dating world is beginning to make we want to charge an hourly rate to keep an eye on these fellas as they do one stupid thing after another that makes me want to call their Mothers and use very un-ladylike adjectives and verbs.

Guys, I don't hate you. Really, I don't but give a girl a break. I'd love to go out and not be judged for living OTP (that's Outside The Perimeter for all you non-Atlanta folks). If I get asked one more time why I live "ALL THE WAY OUT THERE" I'm going to stop giving my nice answer, "Because that's where my job is", and tell them "because that's where the voices tell me to live".

Also, it is unacceptable for you to forget my name after I've told you twice. I will begin to mess with your head at this point. Before the night is over I will have you convinced that I have 4 personalities, a twin named Elvira and your name is Spooner. Keep drinkin' there buddy-boy!

I'm sure that we can all agree that in this day and age naked or even semi-naked pics are a bad idea. At best, you can hope that your recipient isn't showing all his or her friends. So why would you send one to a virtual (in every sense of the word) stranger?

Here's the story....
About three weeks ago I met a guy who we will call Heath. Heath got my number and sent me a text asking where I lived. I responded and then never heard back. I didn't think a thing of it because I figured maybe I lived too far away, OTP thing again, and went about life. Here I am dead asleep on a Friday night after working a crazy week and who should I get a text from AT 3AM? You got it...Heath would like to know what I'm doing. I tell him I WAS sleeping. Not taking the hint dude sends me a picture message. I open it. OMFG.  He's in his underwear.

Don't think that pic isn't going on the internet, loser. This is for waking me up at 3am.

Did he think I was gonna jump outta my bed and into his? Bahahahahahahahahaha! I'm so glad I waited 3 weeks for that amazing picture. Is it just me or do his legs look short?

Quote Book Virtual v 1.0

So at a job I used to have we had a quote book which was essentially a collection of all the best Freudian slips and dumbest/funniest things that could possibly be said...by co-workers, clients, bosses etc...anyone is game. I miss that book so now it's going virtual. All names will be changed to protect the innocents if necessary.

Convo with an elderly patient of mine:
Patient: Shannon, do you think Dr. Blue can write me a letter so I can get a handicapped spot placard?
Me: (laughs) Well, Mr. Parson I don't know that he can do that because you see just fine! Won't your regular doctor write you one?
Patient: No
Me: Why not?
Patient: Because he's a shit-ass.
 This is why I love my job. :0) And in his defense he DOES have a bum knee.

Next up this little gem comes from my friend Seth. That's his real name..he'll wear this one proudly.
Seth: Some people see the Virgin Mary on toast...I make happy shits!  
As he shows me a pic on his phone of a bona fide "happy face" dump he took. Epic.


And last....
My Mom: I think someone needs to redesign the donut.
Bahahahahahaha. Awesome.

How to NOT be a Douchebag

This is a new segment of the blog. The idea came from the thought that Miss Manners is too nice. Plus, I believe there are some points she missed. So, here we go....

• If someone sends you an invitation to an event...RESPOND to it, and I don't care if it's an online invite or a mailed paper invite. It's called an RSVP(Répondez s'il vous plaît), which is French and therefore probably not strong enough to make a point in our pig-headed American brains.  Maybe we need something a little clearer here in the States like, "Please let me know if you're freakin' comin' because only d-bags don't respond.....". If you've ever planned an event, wedding, party or get-together you KNOW what I mean.

• Never rely on the auto-flush toilet to take care of your business, hang around for a sec and make sure one flush was enough. While I recognize and appreciate the usefulness of the auto-flush feature as a sanitizing measure it still strikes me as one of those "improvements" that gets us one step closer to being fat, lazy pigs. If you've seen Wall-e you can see where I'm going. Traditionally, if you wanted to avoid nasties on the toilet flusher, you picked up your foot and flushed. This brings me to make two points:
  
  
  • It's very unpleasant for the rest of us to walk in on a stall and see what's left of your bodily functions.
    
  • Auto-flush or manual (oh, the humanity!) the best way to avoid nasties in the bathroom is to WASH YOUR NASTY HANDS!  
  
  

Well y'all things have changed pretty drastically for me in the past few months. Suddenly single I have found myself weighing my options for dating and wondering what approaches might be best as I don't find meeting dudes in a bar very appealing. I'm entirely sure that "shitfaced" is a first impression I'm not inclined to favor thus leaving me to think that the bar should not be more than a once in awhile venture. My job is not exactly a hotbed of available men either. Well, they may be available but due to the fact that words like retiree, geriatric, walker and senior citizen are not on my list of desirable attributes so that's not gonna work either.

So, you are welcome to laugh if you'd like but I decided to try online dating. I'll not divulge what site or sites I'm using but I thought I'd give it a try...what have I got to lose? I did try this approach once before in my early 20s and found several of the weirdest people I've ever met but I'm going to be all "glass half full" and hope that the quality of people is directly proportionate to the increased popularity of online dating.

So far so good. One date with a nice guy that I would absolutely spend more time with. He did it right....a few emails...a phone call....the first meeting/date. So, I've got one that has done it right. I consider that a success. Will it go any where? I guess that depends on him....

Now having one success also means that there have been many misses. This leads me to some advice I have for guys out there who are thinking of making a dating profile..

1. Your pictures. Let's face it guys the ladies want to see what you look like. Shallow? Yup. But you know that goes both ways so get over it. Here's some picture advice:

• don't put up more than one pic of yourself and a group of people, you don't need to convince me you have friends and it's annoying to try to figure out which one is you.
• don't put up pictures so small that they require me to squint, makes me think you're probably ugly and you know it
• don't put up pictures of you in your underdrawers - leave me something to look forward to please. Also, it makes me think you might be a manwhore
• pictures of you with children can work for you or against you...just depends on what you are looking for. 
• make 'em recent pics fellas. If you're profile says your 37 and your pics showcase your 27 year old self we know and our first thought is that you either got fat, didn't age well or have no life and therefore no recent pics.
• save the mirror pics taken with your cell phone for Facebook...can't afford a digital camera?

2. Don't make me a "favorite" without sending me an email or some form of communication. it's like being stalked by some freak afraid to talk to you.

3. Don't email me with nothing more than "hi" or ":o)". If you don't have anything more than that to say we probably won't get along so I'll just delete your email.

4. Don't tell me you'll call and then you don't. Just say...sorry I'm not interested. Easy. I'm not going to throw myself off a bridge if you don't like me.

So there it is. Stay tuned as I dip my toes back in the dating pool.

Video killed the Radio Star? Nah, try Narcissism

I think that the iPod might be the best invention ever. My days of carrying around two CD cases crammed to the gills were over the day I brought my iPod(which is now considered 'Classic') home with me. Since that day I don't know that it's been far from me. It puts me to sleep, I work out with it, and it entertains me in the car. It holds my entire 500+ CD collection in it's sleek blackness and I LOVE it.

On Sunday night my allergic reaction to air was kickin' my ass so my plan of attack was to take a benedryl and go to bed. I had to be up before the devil for work so I thought my plan wold be a win. Haha, was I wrong. Apparently, 3 nights of hotel beds + long drive home + two benedryl = COMA. So on Monday morning guess whose alarm was going off every 9 minutes for nearly TWO HOURS? Mine.

So this brings me to the point of my story...my iPod and how much I appreciate it. On Monday I was LATE AS HELL and had to drive to NORTH CAROLINA for work. What genius move did I pull? Yup, you guessed it...I ran out the door and forgot my iPod.

Now if you know me you know that this is a damn greek tragedy. Two hours in the car by myself and it's too freakin' early to call anyone to chat. Shannon is stuck with the radio. I hit scan on my radio to find something. Just to give you an idea of how much I loathe the radio I will tell you that I HAD to hit scan bc I still had radio stations programmed in from when I lived in Florida.

It's the morning shows that suck worst of all and there are several levels of suck to choose from here in Atlanta. The country station isn't too bad so I start there but I start getting all twitchy when the commercials start so I move over to the local top 40 station. I love that they call them Top 40. It's so fitting because that's what they do...play the same 40 songs ALL DAY LONG but I digress....

So this Top 40 station has a group of people for it's morning show and I happened to tune in about 4 seconds after they introduced their guest. The Unidentified Guest begins to then ramble on for 20 minutes about his DADDY ISSUES. UG's pops is in the military and basically didn't have much to do with him growing up but now he makes half-assed attempts to keep in touch. THEN the host of the show informs the world that he has daddy issues too. OMFG.

Here's what's going on in my head at this point:

• Who are these people?
• Why are they broadcasting their very personal business to all within the station's signal reach?(which, by the way goes WELL into North Georgia)
• Why do they think their listeners CARE? I mean, they are voices...I don't even know what they look like.
• Shit, now I'm in North Georgia and there are NO other stations.

Their open therapy session on abandonment and how they are now projecting their mental damage on their own children is FINALLY over but alas it then turns into a Boo-hoo story on how much they miss their co-worker who hasn't renegotiated his contract because he thinks he's worth more than the station management does. At this point it was all starting to sound like the parents talking in the Charlie Brown cartoons. It went on for seriously 30 mins....NO MUSIC. 

I realize that these morning shows are not meant to be taken seriously but I think someone needs to inform the voices on the radio. On the way home The Voice tried to tempt me to stay tuned by being coy in regards to his producers relationship status! Really? Does he think I'm going to call up everyone I know and be all "OMG!!!! The producer of the guy on the radio got ENGAGED!!!!! OMGOMG How EXCITING!!!!!!!!

No. No, I'm not. 

As a result of the 4 hour total hours spent in the car with The Voices my iPod firmly secured a spot on my list of "Stuff I'd Save in the Event of a Fire".