Only LOSERS live OTP

This episode went down a few months ago and provided at good laugh but also left me more than a little pissed off. Here's the deal...a dude FLAT OUT rejected me because I live "outside the perimeter". This is basically snob slang for "living in the burbs". Up until now I've had a few guys ask me why I live "all the way out there" as if it's a country code away, not a zip code...I believe this was mentioned in an earlier post. But to be cast aside like some dirty poor beggar not good enough to shine his mighty shoes!? Yeah, I was more than a little offended.

Let's Dissect...

First off, I'm FROM here. I grew up in these 'ere 'burbs. My stomping ground. My family has lived in the same house for 17 years. Second, his rejection implies that ALL women from the 'burbs are somehow not worthy, are defective or are in one way or another un-dateable. And THIRD, this seems like a stupid reason to reject someone. Good reasons are: married, has children or other baggage, criminal records...etc. If this guy had taken the time he would have found out that I have lived other places.

Now part of the reason that I'm so riled up about this snobbery is that I KNOW it's not isolated to this one douchebag guy. This is just the first time it's happened to ME. Now, while I can fully appreciate the Universe directing this particular bullet in someone else's direction (the poor ITP chick who ends up with ITP Snob guy) I do not appreciate being rejected in such and arbitrary way. If he's not attracted to me, that's not really a problem for me but I do hope he catches some kind of fungus from a classy, pristine ITP chick.

The Exit Survey

I'm a relationship kinda girl. It's a fact. I hate dating. Dating sucks. It's like being the Grand Marshall in a Mardi Gras parade where no one is who they seem to be and there is no end in sight. It's the ultimate masquerade.

I have a novel idea that I really wish would catch on. It's called The Exit Survey. This questionnaire is filled out by your ex about 3 months after you break up. This allows for both parties to move through the stages...

• disbelief(How did this happen to me?)
• denial(He/She will totally come back to me when they realize what they lost because I'm FABULOUS)
• raging anger(tears, screaming, burning effigies)
• pure hate(at this stage thinking about it blurs your vision)
• homicidal thoughts(this stage doesn't last long but is easily the most abstract but satisfying)

to that place where you still care...but ya don't. This is the perfect time for the survey. You've had time to analyze exactly what went wrong and why it wasn't your fault. Your ex, the annoying habits and psychological loose screws are not "salt-in-the-wound" fresh but they aren't gone either.

Perfect Timing. Here goes:

How long were you and Mr / Ms Wrong in a relationship? ____________________

Where did you meet?___________________________________ Was alcohol involved? ______

What was you're first fight about? _____________________________________________________Was alcohol involved?_______

What is your Ex's most annoying habit?______________________________________________

 What is your Ex's wierdest/grossest physical feature? You know....extra nipples, funky toes...etc______________________________________________________________________

Any issues with his/her family? Crazy Mama's, Psycho sisters, touchy-feely uncles......____________________________________________________

Any major psychological issues exhibited by your Ex?__________________________________

Are your Ex's friends cool or straight from hell?_______________________________________

Are they still BFF with any of THEIR Exes?____________________________________________

Did your Ex ever cheat on you?____________________________________________________

How did your Ex feel about animals and/or kids?______________________________________

Did your Ex spend their money recklessly or are they financially responsible?_______________
_________________If recklessly, please elaborate_____________________________________

Was your Ex quick to say "I told you so!"?____________________________________________

How did your Ex express anger?___________________________________________________

So.....Whose FAULT was the break-up?______________________________________________

Anything else the next girl/guy should know? (use additional paper if necessary)  _____________________________________________________________________________

There ya have it. Pretty much all pertinent  info you would need to know about someone you're about to date.  Would things be easier with one of these?

Looks Good On Paper

I need a break. Seriously.

Up to this point my attempts at finding a guy normal enough to go on a date more than twice have been futile. I've come to the conclusion that most of these guys who haven't been snatched up are the type that "look good on paper". It's like a interviewing a prospective employee...great resume...kinda sucks in person.

Let's see...one guy invited me to dinner then ate before he came because he "got off work early". Um, how about you eat a SNACK, you jackass, INSTEAD of making me sit there and eat by myself since it's 8pm and I HAVEN'T EATEN. Because that wasn't awkward at all.....

Third date?  Is the Devil's tail frostbiten? Then the answer is No.

OR the guy who spent half the date trying to convince me it's cool if he lives with his parents because "he has his own wing of the house". Yeah, that's totally cool. I'd love to stay the night with you and have your MOM whip us up some breakfast.

I simply fail to see why these guys can just behave normally and why the universe just keeps on sending them my way....

The saga continues....

Genetic Perfection...almost

As my perfectly clever friend Laura would say "Shannon's quest for beauty and brains continues.....".

I'm afflicted with being attracted either to the metro jock or the guy with the guitar. Sadly, most of these guys aren't the smartest of the smart to say the least. Now, to be fair(because they will both probably read this), in my recent past there is one of each of these specimens that have cleared the bar in the looks and smarts categories but the relationships just didn't pan out.

Ultimately, for me you can be very pretty to look at but if you can't carry on a decent conversation your stock drops into the red with lightning quick speed. Case in point...the guy we shall refer to as Abercrombie Guy.
He looked something like this:

Damn near physical perfection. He was spotted while my friend Kerstin and I were at Luckyfest checking out an 80's cover band. He was a part of the group that we were socializing with so I asked him his name. He struggled. It took about 5 seconds to figure out that he was not high, not over the top drunk...this guy was a special brand of "run Forrest run" DUMB. A little bit later he attempted to join a conversation we were having with one of his friends and when he walked away Kerstin looked at his friend and said "Is he slow?". Haha. At this point I had said nothing about Abercrombie's lack of functioning synapses. He was just THAT dumb. We got a replay later that night when they met up with us later in Midtown. My friend Seth had a field day with this guy. Seth had been briefed on our pretty but not-so-bright friend and he took full advantage. Took less than 15 minutes before Abercrombie realized he was outmatched and Abercromie walked out of our lives never to be seen again.

Not a big loss, but it got me to wondering about the correlation between looks and brains. I know this phenomenon is nearly viral in the female population and this has been confirmed by many of my male friends. It's like a pandemic. But we are female and it's generally accepted in our culture that we get by on our looks, not saying it's right...just sayin'. Men on the other hand are judged more on brawn and brains, than looks. So how does it happen that a guy is so good-looking that he literally skates by on just his looks? Clearly, it works for women but how do these pretty boys function in the real world? Guess, I'll never know cuz I don't hang around long enough with these brain-dead beauties to find out!

Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

Here's some more advice for the online dating scene:

• READ the profile before you send someone a message. 
• If cannot spell your own name or the city you live in correctly it indicates that either you cannot pay attention to detail or worse, you're just an idiot. SPELLCHECK boys.....

• When you ask someone on a dinner date you shouldn't eat before you go and make your date eat alone....just sayin'. You probably aren't getting another date after that.

• To reiterate previous advice: don't put up goofy pics as your main profile pic. If you are unsure ask a female friend what she thinks. Don't have any female friends? Then you might have a problem that even a dating profile can't hide.
• Texting is really not an acceptable form of communication for adults attempting to get to know one another. Pick up the phone!
• Try to say something more original than I like to travel, snuggle, drink wine and be the very best person I can be. We all generally like those things......

How To Not Be A Douchebag - Round Two

This one is for the boys....

I nearly named this entry "Adventures in Babysitting" because the dating world is beginning to make we want to charge an hourly rate to keep an eye on these fellas as they do one stupid thing after another that makes me want to call their Mothers and use very un-ladylike adjectives and verbs.

Guys, I don't hate you. Really, I don't but give a girl a break. I'd love to go out and not be judged for living OTP (that's Outside The Perimeter for all you non-Atlanta folks). If I get asked one more time why I live "ALL THE WAY OUT THERE" I'm going to stop giving my nice answer, "Because that's where my job is", and tell them "because that's where the voices tell me to live".

Also, it is unacceptable for you to forget my name after I've told you twice. I will begin to mess with your head at this point. Before the night is over I will have you convinced that I have 4 personalities, a twin named Elvira and your name is Spooner. Keep drinkin' there buddy-boy!

I'm sure that we can all agree that in this day and age naked or even semi-naked pics are a bad idea. At best, you can hope that your recipient isn't showing all his or her friends. So why would you send one to a virtual (in every sense of the word) stranger?

Here's the story....
About three weeks ago I met a guy who we will call Heath. Heath got my number and sent me a text asking where I lived. I responded and then never heard back. I didn't think a thing of it because I figured maybe I lived too far away, OTP thing again, and went about life. Here I am dead asleep on a Friday night after working a crazy week and who should I get a text from AT 3AM? You got it...Heath would like to know what I'm doing. I tell him I WAS sleeping. Not taking the hint dude sends me a picture message. I open it. OMFG.  He's in his underwear.

Don't think that pic isn't going on the internet, loser. This is for waking me up at 3am.

Did he think I was gonna jump outta my bed and into his? Bahahahahahahahahaha! I'm so glad I waited 3 weeks for that amazing picture. Is it just me or do his legs look short?

Well y'all things have changed pretty drastically for me in the past few months. Suddenly single I have found myself weighing my options for dating and wondering what approaches might be best as I don't find meeting dudes in a bar very appealing. I'm entirely sure that "shitfaced" is a first impression I'm not inclined to favor thus leaving me to think that the bar should not be more than a once in awhile venture. My job is not exactly a hotbed of available men either. Well, they may be available but due to the fact that words like retiree, geriatric, walker and senior citizen are not on my list of desirable attributes so that's not gonna work either.

So, you are welcome to laugh if you'd like but I decided to try online dating. I'll not divulge what site or sites I'm using but I thought I'd give it a try...what have I got to lose? I did try this approach once before in my early 20s and found several of the weirdest people I've ever met but I'm going to be all "glass half full" and hope that the quality of people is directly proportionate to the increased popularity of online dating.

So far so good. One date with a nice guy that I would absolutely spend more time with. He did it right....a few emails...a phone call....the first meeting/date. So, I've got one that has done it right. I consider that a success. Will it go any where? I guess that depends on him....

Now having one success also means that there have been many misses. This leads me to some advice I have for guys out there who are thinking of making a dating profile..

1. Your pictures. Let's face it guys the ladies want to see what you look like. Shallow? Yup. But you know that goes both ways so get over it. Here's some picture advice:

• don't put up more than one pic of yourself and a group of people, you don't need to convince me you have friends and it's annoying to try to figure out which one is you.
• don't put up pictures so small that they require me to squint, makes me think you're probably ugly and you know it
• don't put up pictures of you in your underdrawers - leave me something to look forward to please. Also, it makes me think you might be a manwhore
• pictures of you with children can work for you or against you...just depends on what you are looking for. 
• make 'em recent pics fellas. If you're profile says your 37 and your pics showcase your 27 year old self we know and our first thought is that you either got fat, didn't age well or have no life and therefore no recent pics.
• save the mirror pics taken with your cell phone for Facebook...can't afford a digital camera?

2. Don't make me a "favorite" without sending me an email or some form of communication. it's like being stalked by some freak afraid to talk to you.

3. Don't email me with nothing more than "hi" or ":o)". If you don't have anything more than that to say we probably won't get along so I'll just delete your email.

4. Don't tell me you'll call and then you don't. Just say...sorry I'm not interested. Easy. I'm not going to throw myself off a bridge if you don't like me.

So there it is. Stay tuned as I dip my toes back in the dating pool.